It's Not Time Out, It's Time In!

Introduction

In recent years, there has been an encouraging shift in how we approach children’s emotional development. The traditional view, often relying on measures framed by punishment such as ‘time out,’ has begun to evolve towards a more holistic understanding of children’s emotional worlds (Delahooke, 2020). Rather than attempting to suppress or punish emotions—often with good intentions—there is a growing focus on helping children navigate and understand their emotions. This seeks to teach children how to manage their feelings and behaviours in healthy ways.

However, while the narrative surrounding children’s emotions has progressed, there is still work needed to cement this approach into mainstream behaviour. Too often, we see academic intelligence rewarded and praised whilst its counterpart, emotional intelligence, is left on the outskirts. Language such as ‘big girl’ and ‘big boy’ are often well intended, yet do not teach the child any coping skills and instead, encourages children to suppress their emotions. If our goal is to raise emotionally intelligent children, this approach is not the most effective way to support their emotional development.

Furthermore, there remains a crucial shift that involves not only the emotional development of the child, but also that of the adults in their lives. Practitioners and parents alike need strategies and support to regulate their own emotions when responding to a child’s intense feelings. Without this understanding and skill, the emotional environment for the child can become overwhelming, making it difficult for both the child and the adult to process challenging emotions in healthy ways. Since children learn by observing and modelling behaviour, it becomes essential for parents and practitioners to develop their own emotional regulation skills in order to provide a stable, supportive foundation for the child’s emotional growth.

Self-regulation

A well-known phrase within emotional development circles currently refers to ‘it’s not time out, it’s time in. However, we believe this phrase should be expanded to include “for both of us.”  In order for an adult to effectively create a space for emotional regulation, they must first be able to self-regulate their own emotions during triggering moments. This is where self-regulation becomes crucial. By managing their own emotional responses, adults are able model the behaviour they wish to see in the child, creating a more supportive environment for emotional growth.

But what is self-regulation? Self-regulation is perceived as the ability to manage one’s own emotional responses, during challenging situations (Tsabary, 2014). For example, if a child is having a moment of high emotional dysregulation, rather than reacting impulsively, the adult can model a calm and regulated approach. By staying grounded and emotionally controlled, the adult demonstrates the behaviour they wish to see in the child. In essence, this is a powerful form of modelling: when the adult handles their emotions effectively, the child learns to do the same (Tsabary, 2014). However, just as with any skill, self-regulation cannot be expected without first being taught and practiced. A teacher of mathematics must first learn math; likewise, parents or practitioners who wish to raise emotionally intelligent children must first become emotionally intelligent themselves. If an adult has not developed their own emotional awareness and regulation techniques, it is difficult to model this behaviour to the child. This is why emotional intelligence education for adults is the first step in raising emotionally intelligent children (Tsabary, 2014).

Co-regulation

Whilst self-regulation is very important, it is not always enough. There are times when children, particularly younger ones, need more than just a regulated adult to help them through big emotions—they need co-regulation (Gillespie, 2015). Co-regulation is the process by which an adult helps a child to manage and calm their emotions (Gillespie, 2015). This involves the adult offering support through presence, validation, listening and guidance (Tsabary, 2014). Co-regulation can be seen as a supportive practice where the adult helps the child identify and label their feelings, offers strategies for calming down (such as deep breathing or mindfulness), and stays with the child until the emotional storm subsides.

Co-regulation is a dynamic, two-way process that fosters connection and mutual understanding (Tsabary, 2014). It teaches the child that their emotional experiences are valid, while also providing them with the tools and emotional resilience needed to handle future emotional challenges on their own. This process is essential in building emotional intelligence over time, and having tools to support you in this is crucial.

Your Metaphorical ‘Tool Belt’

Having tools in your metaphorical tool belt to support both yourself and a child through an emotional response allows them to express big feelings safely (Tsabary, 2014). Here are our top tips to use on your journey to creating emotionally intelligent children:

1. Physical Activity
2. Going for a walk.
3. Jumping around, or doing a silly dance.
4. By taking deep breaths, and encouraging the child to do the same.
5. Physical Touch
6. Hand on the back to soothe.
7. Giving the child a hug.
8. Holding their hand.

iii.           You can also project an atmosphere of safety by...

1. Regulating your own emotions.
2. Using positive body language.
3. Empathetic facial expressions.

Having a range of different tools within your emotional regulating tool box allows you to approach situations differently, depending on the need of the individual child. Use your intuition to decide which tool might be needed depending on the child, and adapt and change as required.

Neuroscience and the Child’s Brain

Lasltly, when we talk about children’s emotions, it is essential to understand how their brains function during these emotional moments and remember that the child’s brain is still developing - especially the areas responsible for emotional regulation. Neuroscience has shown that children’s brains are highly reactive during times of distress, with the amygdala (the brain’s emotional centre, which we label Activeasaurus) becoming highly active (Beauchaine et al., 2007). This is often referred to as being ‘in survival mode,’ where emotions can overpower logic and reasoning.

This understanding of the brain helps to empathise with a child’s emotional state. It provides a neurological explanation as to why children can struggle to manage their emotions, and react impulsively (Beauchaine et al., 2007). With this understanding, we can approach a child’s emotional outburst with patience and empathy, knowing that they may not yet have the brain development to fully regulate their emotions on their own. Furthermore, by engaging in co-regulation and offering supportive emotional guidance, we can help to calm the child’s emotional state, allowing the brain’s prefrontal cortex (which we call our Calmasaurus brain) to re-engage and enabling the child to think more clearly and rationally. Research has shown that the brain’s development is highly influenced by interactions with caregivers (Lally, Mangoine., 2017). In moments of emotional dysregulation, the child’s brain can become overwhelmed, particularly the Activeasaurus section of our brain (the Amygdala), the area responsible for processing emotions (Beauchaine et al., 2007). In these moments, the presence of a calm and responsive adult helps to soothe the child’s brain, activating the Calmasaurus brain (prefrontal cortex), which is responsible for higher-order thinking and regulation (Beauchaine et al., 2007). This brain-based process of co-regulation is vital for the child’s emotional growth and provides them with the foundation for independent emotional regulation later on  (Tsabary, 2014).

Case Studies

Below are some examples of case studies from children.

Child A – Visually Impaired with Special Educational Needs

Child A began nursery during the first wave of the pandemic after his previous nursery had closed. He had attended another setting for approximately eight months, but this was disrupted by COVID-19. Following a period of being at home, he started his new nursery, where it became clear that, physically and emotionally, he was below expectations. He was reluctant to engage in activities, often expressing frustration by hitting himself and using negative language about himself. He displayed significant aversion to risk-taking, particularly when playing outdoors, and was fearful of trying new things like accessing park equipment.

One notable incident occurred when Child A became upset and frustrated at the park, refusing to use the slide because he believed he couldn't do it. His mother reported that she had to help him up the stairs to the slide, as he had no confidence in himself. In response, we held a meeting with his mother and agreed to implement a more positive language approach at home and at nursery. We introduced daily affirmations, mindfulness techniques, and focused on encouraging positive self-talk to help him build emotional regulation.

Over the next 10 to 12 months, consistent co-regulation practices were used between home and nursery. Child A’s behaviour began to improve, and his self-confidence grew. By January 2022, he confidently responded to praise with, “That’s because I am amazing,” his posture upright and proud. He had gained confidence in his abilities, was more willing to take risks, and had reduced his fear of failure. This transformation demonstrates the power of co-regulation, with both home and nursery providing consistent emotional support, leading to significant growth in self-regulation skills and resilience.

Child B – Developing Self-Regulation and Resilience

Child B began attending nursery at the age of two, and although he met developmental milestones, he was known to be excitable and spontaneous. However, after the pandemic lockdown, he returned to nursery a changed child. He became more cautious and wary of new situations, showing signs of emotional regression. Although he had previously been confident in social situations, the time away from nursery had impacted his emotional regulation, and he appeared less certain of himself.

In response, we introduced mindful moments, daily meditation, and positive affirmations at nursery. Over time, these practices began to help him regain his self-confidence. A significant turning point came when he shared a moment of insight with his father. After learning about resilience, he pointed to his head while working in the garden and said, “I know you are strong here, but you need to be strong in here,” demonstrating an understanding of the mental strength required to overcome challenges.

This shift in thinking was directly linked to the positive affirmations and mindfulness practices used consistently at home and in the nursery. Over the next six months, Child B’s emotional resilience grew. He became more willing to take risks, form friendships, and showed a greater capacity for self-regulation. The partnership between home and school was vital, as it allowed for consistent co-regulation practices, reinforcing the skills he was developing.

Both Child A and Child B’s cases highlight the importance of self-regulation and co-regulation in fostering emotional growth. By working collaboratively with parents and caregivers, the nursery was able to create a consistent emotional environment for both children, making transitions smoother and providing continuity of care.